A summary of my talk at the Mustaeinatv symposium:

1. Psychological impact of divorce : Islamic approaches in coping and moving on.

2. I narrowed the discussion to the emotional stress of divorces

3. I identified the emotional stress in such situations as what in Arabic is called حزن literally sadness but entails a range of negative emotions that may range from fleeting sadness to outright suicidal depression.

4. I chose Sam'ani's definition of حزن where he defined it as :

ألم القلب بفراق المحبوب

The pain of the heart because of the loss of someone or something beloved

5. I mentioned Ibn Qayyim's statement that such sadness is not encouraged in Islam. Whenever it occurs it is either prohibited or negated. I added to it Ibn Taymiyyah's statement that sadness could be relatively good if it's expressed about a religious shortcoming. But in and of itself it is not a character encouraged in Islam rather it occurs as a test from Allah.

6. I mentioned several examples of emotional stress in the Quran , focusing on the Prophet Yaqub and the mother of Musa. Despite knowing that things will be good ultimately. They suffered tremendously from missing their child.

7. I added that sadness could lead to suicide. Citing the hadith of Tufayl b. Amr in Saheeh Muslim. The man killed himself and Allah forgave him because of his Hijrah.

8. I dwelled on the well known incident of Mugheeth and Bareerah because this relates well to the topic. Mugheeth wept uncontrollably and publicly for losing Bareerah's love.

9. Piety doesn't prevent sadness or depression,  it however makes it easier to handle.

10. Both men and women feel the pain of separation with the exception of a few outliers who may have other emotional problems. It's natural,  embrace it.

11. Such pains expresses itself in several ways

a. Broken heart syndrome. Where this sadness has a physical effect on the heart itself ( I forgot to mention this)

b. Sadness, grief and loneliness

c. Anxiety and depression

d. Loss of identity ( I couldn't dwell on this because of time) a lot of sisters who drop the niqab, jilbab etc. are reacting to the trauma of divorce. They need more support than condemnation. Yes, it doesn't mean we don't correct them. I also have an exmaple of a man who left or almost left the Deen because he lost his wife to kidnappers

e. Anger and resentment ( a lot of the men are trash or women are devils come from bad marriage experiences)

f. Financial stress

g. Trust issues ( some feel because their spouse is an untrustworthy scum , all others are too)

12. I mentioned that women feel these issues more in OUR ENVIRONMENT because :

a. Our culture doesn't support single mom phenomenon . Secondly most Muslim sisters will naturally find Zina repugnant. She is now in a dilemma

b. Biology,  we have research that women release more oxytocin during intercourse and as someone put it , oxytocin is the " emotional superglue " hormone. Women tend to get more attached.

c. Finance. They take the kids. Rent. Food. Especially when the man wants to spite her or is just completely irresponsible

d. Emotions : men and women feel emotions same way but express it differently. Men tend to express anger , while women tend to express sadness, compassion and affection more.  See ?

13. Coping and moving on :

a. Prevent divorce as much as possible

b. Choose your spouse wisely

c. Love responsibly.  The only entity we love unconditionally is Allah. Do not love to the point that living after leaving will be impossible

d. Get empowered within shariah limits.

e. Do not severe contact with friends and family because of marriage. Family,  the healthy one, will always accept us regardless of our situation and at times stupidity.

f.. Move on , wait for a while to heal , this varies from person to person and also circumstances vary. Give marriage a try if you're in for it. Nobody says that our first or second marriage will be the best for us. Khadijah,  may Allah be please with her , had her best marriage in the Prophet. And that was her third.

May Allah grant us happiness